SINK OR SWIM

It’s been a long time since I wrote on my blog.  There is so much going on in my life, much is too personal to share on a blog. I will share how I am feeling though, in regards to what is happening.

Today at the gym I had a good analogy of how I was feeling. I was on the elliptical and was looking out into the swimming pool area and watching the life guards walking around the pool. There were a couple of people in the pool and one lady in particular caught my eye. She had her hands up and was treading water. I thought to myself "that’s how I feel right now! I am treading water" I also thought that I am in this body of water and could picture the people in my life in this pool with me. Some of the people in my life were needing help swimming and I helped them get life jackets on and helped them keep afloat. Some of the people are strong swimmers and are in the pool swimming and helping and participating. And then there are some people who have a death grip on me and I feel like they are dragging me under. I know they are drowning and I want to help them but I also know that I am getting tired of treading water here and am going under with them. Do I let them go and they might float away, or drown or hope that they might make it on their own? Or that someone else will help them out?  I have watched others recently in my life who I felt I helped.  I put that life jacket on them I helped keep them afloat and helped them learn to swim and they just swam away leaving me bewildered and hurt. I was hoping that they would become one of the strong swimmers and help out, but they moved on.

I am getting weary. I feel like I can continue treading but I can’t continue to help those who are struggling to float.  They have the death grip on me. I don’t’ want to lose them but don’t’ want to drown either.

Feels a little overwhelming!

This week has been a roller coaster week. I have had some people chose to walk out of my life! I am hurt and struggling.

I look to God as my LIFE GUARD! HE knows I am getting tired, He is watching me and will save me and direct me and I have to TRUST HIM!

I hate to let go of those who I perceive are drowning but will trust that GOD is watching them as well and it’s not my job to save them. It is HIS!

THEY SAY……

AHHHHHH the New Year! It compels us all to make a clean start, replace bad habits with good, and add new healthy steps into our lives. Normally I am up late into the night planning and getting excited about all the possibilities that 2012 can be.

This year….NOT so much! Am I pessimistic because I have seen that not much has transpired in those plans over the years? NO I think I am tired this year and all the changes just seemed like work to me. As I lay in bed pondering this I thought even if I did the basics of what “THEY’ say we should do daily, my 24 hours days were running short.

They say we need to floss every day, okay I can do that, it’s only minutes added to my regular tooth brushing routine. CHECK  

I need to meditate and spend more time in prayer with God and reading my bible etc. It’s a good plan and one I really strive to do , so in my mind I think an hour a day at least…..CHECK

They say…well more like OPRAH says we should write a gratitude journal daily. I like this idea and at one time was great at journaling and writing. At least an hour a day CHECK

We need to exercise daily…an hour a day, again I have been pretty consistent with 4-5 times a week….an hour a day….. CHECK

We need to spend more time with our family and children. Quality time, not just driving them to events. Okay games night or chatting or something fun an hour a day CHECK

We need to spend time with our friends and adults. We need physical touch and socialization.  CHECK

We need to eat 8-10 fruits and vegetables a day. Okay I should make a chart to CHECK all of this off ! CHECK

We need to drink 8 glasses of water a day, add this to the chart to check off. CHECK

Vitamins, we need to take vitamins to keep us healthy. CHECK

We need at least 8 hours of sleep a night. CHECK…..okay this makes my day a little shorter now…HMMM

We need to take the stairs and park farther from doors for EXTRA physical activity! CHECK

These are daily things that should be a MUST. Then weekly we need bible study, date nights, etc.

We need to take time for ourselves. Pamper ourselves! Massages, pedicures! I like this! CHECK! DOUBLE CHECK

We need regular doctor’s appointments dental appointments, mammograms, etc… CHECK

 We need to become more organized! purge and organize closets, office, drawers, our lives. OKAY CHECK

We need to learn more, read more, take classes. GOT IT! CHECK

In between all of this is working, cooking, shopping, homework with kids, driving kids to their events, reading everyday with children, laundry, appointments, etc. etc.

Do you see what I mean? The list is endless!  It became exhausting when I started planning just basics into my already busy routine. I know I can multi task some of these. Get my socialization while I exercise, etc.  But still it appears overwhelming.  I became tired and gave up before I could even start. The thought of making charts to keep track of my fruits and veggies and water, SIGH.

DON’T get me wrong, I will make changes. I need to make changes. THEY say we need to do these things and so I will. BUT first I will increase my 8 hours of sleep to 10. That’s a good start. I am going back to bed now and maybe tomorrow I will not be as exhausted as I think about all I SHOULD do and all I am doing!

When one family member struggles , the rest of the family does too

This is not totally my story to tell , but I will share with you how this has affected me .

I can tell you that now that we have told the church this is public knowledge.We are in a situation in our home where the REV has had to take a medical leave of absence from work for 3 months. Its been a long time coming and he has pushed it off for a long time. Pride has made him go on, the love of preaching keeps him going and the people in our church whom we love so much kept him trying to forge through , but unfortunately that can only take you so far when you are dealing with stress/depression/burnout. He has hit the wall and is struggling.

He was able to hide it for a long time with others and still does, but it is harder to hide at home. I am reminded of our retriever Tanner who passed away this past October. My friend Pam said that Tanner had been sick a long time but was trying so hard to make us happy that he hid it. But he could only do it for so long before it catches up. The Rev is like our old retriever.

Most peoplewho struggle with stress/burnout/depression try their best to hide it, but stress left alone becomes dangerous and life threatening.

Since sharing this with the church,  I feel like a weight has lifted for me. I don’t have to “hide” how I am feeling. I don’t have to put on my “happy face” all the time. I can now say I am sad, or I am struggling and people will know why.

We have all felt stressed in our lives especially at this time of year trying to get things done for Christmas. This stress and the stress that has people go on medical leave are vastly different. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, an end in sight with Christmas stress or moving etc. With the stress the Rev is going through there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight for him. It appears dark and dismal and tiring. There appears to be little hope and everything appears to be caving in all around. It’s a difficult time not just for him but for those who love him.

Not everything I share from this point on is what is exactly what is going on in our home, but is typical of what happens with stress/depression.

 Here are some of the symptoms that one might  go through

Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgment Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying	Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Aches and pains Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Loss of sex drive Frequent colds	Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

So for someone who doesn’t struggle with any of these issues and all of a sudden does, it causes huge changes in relationships. The person you love has now become someone you barely recognize, especially when they are exhibiting symptoms that have never been part of their personality or an extreme opposite of who they once were.

As a wife I struggle with what to do. I go from being supportive and understanding , to being frustrated and angry. I think “enoughs,  enough lets get going”. But its not as easy as that. Its not something you can just snap out of. And its difficult for someone who has never experienced depression or burnout to understand.

This is going to take time to heal and the reality is we might never get back to where we were. That’s a scary thought for me. I don't know how long this will take before he is feeling better. I don’t’ know what the future holds The good thing is I know who holds the future and I trust HIM!!

The Sunday before telling our congregation that Bill was not well, I was an emotional mess. In the evening there was a healing service here in town and so I went. I went up for prayer and prayed for healing for my husband , for our marriage and for our family and church. The men praying for me prayed that Bill would not have to take a leave of absence and that he would be healed. Did God heal Bill??? Not instantly? and Not specifically what was asked.  Will He heal Bill? I believe He will! BUT GOD did heal that night. He healed me !   As I said I went in an emotional mess. I felt beaten and discouraged. I was angry and hurt!  I left there filled with PEACE! My anger was gone, my hurt was gone my heart felt healed. I had hope! No matter what happens I KNOW that God is in control!

I know I will have days that will be a roller coaster ride. Today is one of those days. I feel overwhelmed with all I have to do for Christmas. The majority of the work in our home is on my shoulders.  As well as keeping my foot in the door for church. I have to remind myself if I don’t’ get it all done it’s not going to be the end of the world.

Here are some things I am learning through this:

A support system is a MUST! I started counselling last year which helped a lot. I finished just before summer. My counsellor and I thought it was time and I was doing well. My one mistake is I SHOULD have gone back in September when things were coming to a head here. I needed someone to talk to and felt alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone from church I felt like I would be betraying Bill if I did. I am thankful for my daughter Christine who I shared  some of my issues with. That kind of took the edge off. If I had a do over I would have run back to my counsellor right away. I also didn't realize that Bill was going through burnout. I just thought he had changed and I didn't understand it. Talking to a professional would have helped me understand.

So my advice to anyone going through this is get help and support. Don’t hold it in and try and do it on your own. Its impossible to do. We are called to carry one another’s burdens. There are people that can help you.

SEPARATE the behaviour from the person. I say this, but have a hard time following it. I have mentioned this fault with Jayde and her FASD. It is so hard to do but it is necessary.

Look after yourself!  It is a good thing I love to exercise. I know my body doesnt’ show it, but my stress levels do. Going to the gym is so good for more than just physical reasons. It releases endorphins which are happy hormones. It alleviates stress. I am thankful to my friend Marcella who meets me twice a week which makes me pumped to continue on the rest of the week.

I also LOVE hot YOGA! It gives me time to breathe! Deep breathing also helps alleviate stress. I am also able to pray while I am there and just focus on me and GOD!

Pamper yourself, go for massages for pedicures. Look after you. That’s the only way you will be able to look after others.

REMEMBER that you don’t have to do EVERYTHING!! Its ok to say no and it’s ok that not everything will get done. Its okay to ask for help. (another tough one for me, but I am learning)

GO TO GOD! PRAY! If you are not a spiritual person , try praying ! you have nothing to lose and everything to gain! My testimony of the healing service is proof that prayer works. If you still doubt than again I urge you to try it for yourself!

As much as I don't like going through this with my husband and family I  know that one day  I will be able to share and relate to those who struggle with this It  is giving me a new perspective and understanding of depression/mental illness. . One day I will be able to share how God brought us through it as well.

TOUCHE

For those who are close to me know that I have a “thing” about words. Last week’s blog was on EXTREME words this week is a little more personal about me and EXTREME words

Words have great meaning to me and I don’t’ just use them and throw them around willy nilly. It irks me when people do. For example when someone is talking and say “I went to Starbucks and they discontinued the café mocha drink that I always drink. I was DEVASTATED” REALLY??? DEVASTATED??? I don’t’ thinks so! I would hope not DEVASTATED. Maybe mildly upset. Disappointed but not DEVASTATED.

Having this issue with words for me makes it difficult to do surveys for me. You know the surveys that the answers are ALWAYS-, OCCASIONALLY- NEVER. I typically have to pick the middle of the road answers. It seldom is an ALWAYS or a NEVER for me. To state ALWAYS means I always do something and really I ALWAYS doesn’t do something even though I typically 99% of the time do it there might be a time that I don’t.

Also NEVER…..I am sure I have at one time done something I said I NEVER do.

Think about it. DO YOU ALWAYS DO SOMETHING??? ALWAYS???

 surveys are thought provoking for me.

The saying “this is the worse day ever. Or this day has been horrible.” THE WHOLE DAY???  Not one good thing happened?

I have someone close to me who will tell a situation and then say isn’t that HORRIBLE?? Well it’s not HORRIBLE ….this is the definition of what horrible means. The story that you just told me isn’t even close to causing horror or shocking me. It wasn’t even extremely unpleasant. 

hor·ri·ble

   /ˈhɔr ə bəl, ˈhɒr-/ Show Spelled[hawr-uh-buh l, hor-] Show IPA

adjective

1.

causing or tending to cause horror; shockingly dreadful: a horrible sight.

2.

extremely unpleasant; deplorable; disgusting: horrible living conditions.

Not sure why I have this weird WORD thing. Just one more quirky thing about me. What is not good is because I believe words have so much power and meaning  , I can and DO use them when in a disagreement with someone and can  say some very hurtful and strong things. 

When the bible talks about the tongue being a sword or a poison  I know full well what that means. My words can cut someone to shreds. Can pierce a heart, cause a wound, do damage to someone I love.  I am trying to be intentional when talking to loved ones and making sure that my words will not cause injury, or even death of a person’s spirit . When in a disagreement do I really win if I have cut a person so deeply that I have severed my relationship?? I would rather be a loser and keep that person whole and uninjured. Now I just have to keep working on this. IT’S easier SAID than DONE!

Psalms 12:18

EXTREME WORDS are one of my MANY PET PEEVES

The last few months I have noticed on younger facebookers walls that their status will say something like " I MISSED the bus FML....or I hate my life".For those who don't know what FML means it means F*** my life.

Last week I said to one of my daughters...(.not naming names  )  "On Wednesday you start ( a recreation activity that she has been waiting forever to start).
She said OHHH I hate my life......I have (mentions another RECREATIONAL activity) at the same time

I said "OH my gosh!! you hate your life because you have tooooo many recreational activities that you have wanted to be involved in and now they are conflicting with each other?" Yes you should hate your life! thank goodness you aren't  a poor starving child in Ethiopia. Because if you hate your life now imagine what would happen if you had no food or shoes or home , or parents.

She said mom its just an expression everyone says that.

And I realize that they are just expressions but it just seems so ridiculous that people say such EXTREME things over such minor inconveniences.

Things like FML I got a flat tire on the way to work. HELLO....were you DRIVING a CAR from your house to a JOB that pays you so you can afford all these luxuries?

Give your head a shake. It should not be FML I missed the bus. It should be PTL or TYG (praise the Lord or Thank You God) that I have a car, money for the bus,  a house , this small inconvenience because others have far less than I do.

Dont' get me wrong here I am not pointing fingers. I do similar things. I start to feel sorry for myself because I am sick , or am going through a stressful time. But when you read or hear of other tragedies mine are minuscule in comparison. I think of the recent families in the news Kyle Fundytus 16 who died this weekend in a hockey accident. The 4 boys who died in grand prairie from an alleged drunk driver. the family who lost their dad/father to cancer. the families at stollery who have children with cancer. My little hurts, inconveniences are NOTHING in comparison.

I heard of a story where some missionaries were watching the throngs of people in Haiti going to a church service after the devastating earthquake. One of the newer missionary said " I can really see why they are going to church They have NOTHING and need to ask God for so much" the other missionary said "On the contrary they are going to thank GOD for what they DO HAVE! "

We are so spoiled and so selfish in our own little world. We need to be more thankful. We just celebrated thanksgiving and the states are gearing up for their day of thanks.  EVERYDAY should be thanks giving....or THANKS LIVING!
(WHEN I SAY WE I MEAN ME too!!! WE as SOCIETY. )

We need to take captive our negative thoughts and sayings and rephrase them. We need to quit complaining about the cross we have to bear and look at the other crosses others have to bear. If all the problems were thrown into a room and you had to pick one, I am pretty sure in most circumstances that you would want yours back instead of someone else's
1 Thes 5:18 Give thanks in all Circumstances for this is the will of GOD

Philippians 4:8

 ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

In other words THINK POSITIVE thoughts.

THANK YOU TO TEACHERS!

today is TBH thursday  and at 3:00 I was sitting and thinking "I have nothing to write today" and then the kids came home and homework began.

One of my children had a note from the teacher that said " __________ does not know any of her sight words can you go over them with her"

Hello??? I have been! and i will again. Yesterday we worked on the site words and I was pleased with the progress. Today it was like we didnt' even go over them.
so I was trying different techniques to help her learn the word. We would say "AND" A-N-D  AND then we would write it and say each letter A-N-D  and say it AND.We did this with each word and then I brought out the list and she did not know the words.

I start getting frustrated . Oh my goodness! I realize I am NOT a teacher. I CANNOT teach. I have absolutely NO patience.

If you cannot learn something after a certain amount of time then I can't do it! I know this is HORRIBLE of me! but I am being honest.

How do home school moms do it?? you clearly have a gift of teaching. We are doing a bible study on teaching and that is NOT one of my gifts at ALL. I don't even think it was a blip on the screen.

One of my gifts is encouragement , but that doesn't even come out when I am teaching. I ENCOURAGE you to LEARN this quickly could be the closest form of encouragement I can muster when I am teaching.

I am thankful to God that HE has given people the gift of teaching. That there are teachers out there who LOVE to teach and are challenged and excited about finding out different ways for children to learn. BLESS each of you. Bless the home school moms who teach their own children because I think that would be even MORE difficult. Bless those who tutor and help out people like me who clearly have no gift or patience.

If you do not realize how important you are and valued come to my house and watch me teach my kids.

Feeling sorry for myself , being a mom, wife, daughter is hard.

Tonight as I write this post I am feeling very sorry for myself. I am in tears....boo hoo.  I think its because I am over tired.

I should have retitled this M is not for MOTHER, M is for Martyr because that's how I will come across.

I often feel it would be so much easier to be a man. They don't have the same amount of work as women do. Often their jobs end at the end of their work day and everyone knows a mothers work is never done.
This month I have been helping my mom pack up and move into a seniors apartment. If you have seen a seniors apartment they are very tiny , so we have not only been packing but downsizing and getting rid of things and it is very difficult.

I am the only girl in the family so of course the work falls on me, it doesn't help that I have siblings who live out of town either. I am blessed that two of my sister in laws helped as often as they could and I appreciate it so much. I never would have done it without their help.

 Everyday this month  I have been going to my moms as soon as I get kids to school and  put in a full day there, come home, make supper, do homework, run the kids to lessons, do my laundry and house work, make lunches, sign notes for school and appointments as well as teach a bible study once a week  etc.

This week I am unpacking my mom, cleaning her old place, trying to get kids Halloween costumes ready, parent teacher interviews, social workers and meetings and dental appointments and a child's  birthday next week so will need to buy a present and plan something.

Although the REV helps, he doesn't ever do the costumes the interviews, the meetings, the gift buying or appointments.He helped move the items from the apartment, but then his job is over. all the men come move items and go home. that's the end of their helping. The women were there helping move boxes too.

I have month end to do and receipts which again is my job, admin stuff falls on me for the fostering .

I have also been sick and had sick kids so juggling everything on top of it all.

It doesn't seem fair to me. Why do women get all the work? Why doesn't the day end? People say to me , take time for yourself.Okay I will! But  then who will cook, or clean or do laundry??? who looks after the kids when they are sick? who is making the lunches and helping with the homework? who is buying the birthday gifts?

The Rev is planning a hunting trip for next week. Not one thought as to how things will work out for us. Guys can just take off and the home still works and goes on. It's difficult for women to just take off. AGAIN not fair.

Currently I don't see an end in sight because Christmas is approaching quickly and the gift buying is up to me to do. the baking , the cards and everything else Christmas entails.....my job.

tomorrow things will look a little brighter. I know I live a very busy life and normally I go minute by minute. I get overwhelmed when I look at everything I have to do and wonder how I will get it all done. I always do get it done, but for tonight I  have to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself . And wonder why my job doesn't end.