Sunday, December 30, 2012

DANGER THIN ICE! A look back at 2012

As I was sitting this morning reflecting on the past year looking towards the upcoming year I had this image of New Years gone by. Typically I love New Years. Not the celebration but the excitement of a new year. It’s like starting with a clean slate. I am not one to set up resolutions but I do have plans in my mind of things I would like to do, personally, spiritually etc.
I related my New Year’s trek in my mind as a huge outdoor lake in the winter. There have been years that I run without caution, free, onto the lake, not a care in the world. Other times I go skating and twirling with excitement and looking forward to the possibilities of what I can do. A few years I have tiptoed onto the ice unsure of what and if it will hold and not break. This year I am on my belly trying to distribute the weight under what I feel is very thin and unstable ice. I feel as if I am on a rescue mission there are some areas in my life that have broken through the ice and I need to save them.
This year has brought us to our knees in all senses of the word.
If someone told me a few years ago the trials and situations I would be experiencing in 2012 I would never believe them. I am not a betting person, but I would have bet that some of these things would not have happened. NO WAY! But here I am, experiencing them
The most difficult part of my year started at the end 2011, when my husband went on stress leave. I wrote about that in a previous blog. Having him go through burnout has been one of the most challenging situations I have been through in my life. I feel as if I am living with a stranger. This is not the man I have been with since the age of 14.  So I have struggled trying to figure this out.
It has also been a good learning experience as I now can relate to what others go through when they speak of living with someone with depression or even if they are the one struggling with depression, I have a new understanding of it. It is difficult and affects everyone in the family, not just the person experiencing it.
Towards the end of the year God dropped a perfect opportunity into Bill’s lap. He was offered a job with Hope Mission, in a ministry called “horses of HOPE”

 IT is a brand new ministry still in the beginning stages. Basically what it is, is working with children in need, and working with horses. Children who have a difficult time trusting, or loving or feeling safe or just not able to afford the luxury of having a horse,  and giving them a horse to learn those very important traits with.
There are so many other “PLANS” in this ministry but this is the basis of it at this point. According to Bill, only GOD could have designed this job for him.

SOUNDS PERFECT you say! WHATS THE BIG DEAL? You say. Well after 17 years of working in a church that we love, one that was started with just the two of us, he has resigned  with  December 24th as his last service.
If you belong to a church and have worked in ministry you will know that it’s different than a job or a “club”. It's family. You grow so close to those in the congregation. We love them so much. How do you say goodbye to family. How do you leave something you have put 17 years of blood sweat and tears into? A place where you have been with people through the lowest points of their lives, to celebrating those momentous occasions with them it’s not an easy task. Its bitter sweet!
I believe for Bill this new job will be a time for healing. It is something that he needs in order to be restored back to the man he was, or into the man God created him to be, Even better than he was!
I know it’s difficult to for him to say goodbye. This was his baby, something he started from conception and grew, but as with our babies there comes a time to let go and so he is. We believe this is from God and that God has a bigger plan for Harvest church and for US!
For me this brings the unknown. I had a role in the church. Part of who I am the “pastor’s wife”. And though I struggled with that title, I still had that label on me. Now there is no label. I have no role. When a church hires a pastor they also “hire” a spouse. TWO for the price of ONE.  There are expectations etc. placed on the wife. There is a role she must fill etc. Sometimes that’s a good thing other times it is not. I think as the church evolves they try to get out of that role casting, but it still happens.
So now I am without a role! Where do I fit?? What will I do? A million questions. I know my identity is found in Christ ALONE but I still struggle. It feels weird.
We feel God is not moving us at this point and we will remain part of the congregation.  I still have the areas in the church that I am involved in such as prayer coordinator, running ladies bible study etc. But that will change when they hire a new pastor.
We will remain part of the church unless or until it becomes a hindrance to the growth of others and the church and until GOD moves us on.
There is much that has happened that I am not sharing but only suffice as to say we are broken.  So I go into the New Year unsure of where I am stepping. I have faith that the areas in our lives that have been shattered will be restored. God’s word promises that He will restore all that was lost and broken over the year and I trust that.
On top of all the struggles we had with Bills stress leave etc., we also experienced a few other trials. It took us almost a year to sell our other home, so financially we were stressed. We journeyed with my mom as she lost her apartment to a devastating fire, helping her find a new place, having her live with us, moving her, and just recently experiencing health issues. . We also had to say goodbye to two of our girls after having them for 3 years.  
We have also been blessed this year with some wonderful experiences. HAITI for me was life changing. I have to remember that although I am struggling it is nothing in comparison to what people in Haiti experience on a daily basis. It doesn’t make my problems any less, but can often put them into perspective.
I am reminded of how blessed I am with my friends and family. My best friend, Sherry who I have been able to pour my heart out to. Who has been with me through all the tears and brokenness who prayed with me when I didn’t even have the strength to pray. Words cannot express how much I love you and what a God send you were to me and still are.
My kids and grandkids , who keep me going from day to day. They give me a reason to get up each morning.
My brother Ray and sister in law Kim were a life saver when helping move my mom this time around and for that I am so grateful
My other friends and church family, who love me and accept me for who I am. I won’t’ mention names but you know who you are. Those on FB , my exercise buddies, my FASD group you have all blessed me in one way or another over this last year and brought light into my life. And so I thank you!
So going into 2013 I am going in unsure of what it has to offer new job for Bill, new life for me, new children  that will come . I am a little anxious, but I am also glad to get 2012 out of the way I am looking forward to being restored and healed. I am looking forward to experiencing GOD in HIS fullness and FAITHFULNESS.
I am going in with HOPE and TRUST and FAITH. I feel like I am on thin Ice but I know that GOD is on the ice with me. He is laying out with His arms stretched out waiting for me to grab on. Throwing me a rope if I can’t reach. Using a human chain of people he has placed in my path to help me hang on.

 I am reminded of Psalms 121 MTV (my translated version)
I look up to the hills , and wonder where does my help come from?? My help comes from the LORD maker of heaven and earth. He will not let my foot slip. He does not sleep because he is watching over ME. BELIEVE and have FAITH that HE who watches over me does not even close his eyes for a moment. For God is the shade at my right hand, the sun will not harm me by day nor will I be harmed at night. The Lord will keep me from all harm He will watch over my life. He will watch over my coming and going not just TODAY but  FOREVER
Also Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

And my favorite verse of all
Jer 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you!


Friday, February 24, 2012


It’s been a long time since I wrote on my blog.  There is so much going on in my life, much is too personal to share on a blog. I will share how I am feeling though, in regards to what is happening.

Today at the gym I had a good analogy of how I was feeling. I was on the elliptical and was looking out into the swimming pool area and watching the life guards walking around the pool. There were a couple of people in the pool and one lady in particular caught my eye. She had her hands up and was treading water. I thought to myself "that’s how I feel right now! I am treading water" I also thought that I am in this body of water and could picture the people in my life in this pool with me. Some of the people in my life were needing help swimming and I helped them get life jackets on and helped them keep afloat. Some of the people are strong swimmers and are in the pool swimming and helping and participating. And then there are some people who have a death grip on me and I feel like they are dragging me under. I know they are drowning and I want to help them but I also know that I am getting tired of treading water here and am going under with them. Do I let them go and they might float away, or drown or hope that they might make it on their own? Or that someone else will help them out?  I have watched others recently in my life who I felt I helped.  I put that life jacket on them I helped keep them afloat and helped them learn to swim and they just swam away leaving me bewildered and hurt. I was hoping that they would become one of the strong swimmers and help out, but they moved on.

I am getting weary. I feel like I can continue treading but I can’t continue to help those who are struggling to float.  They have the death grip on me. I don’t’ want to lose them but don’t’ want to drown either.

Feels a little overwhelming!

This week has been a roller coaster week. I have had some people chose to walk out of my life! I am hurt and struggling.

I look to God as my LIFE GUARD! HE knows I am getting tired, He is watching me and will save me and direct me and I have to TRUST HIM!

I hate to let go of those who I perceive are drowning but will trust that GOD is watching them as well and it’s not my job to save them. It is HIS!

Monday, January 2, 2012


AHHHHHH the New Year! It compels us all to make a clean start, replace bad habits with good, and add new healthy steps into our lives. Normally I am up late into the night planning and getting excited about all the possibilities that 2012 can be.
This year….NOT so much! Am I pessimistic because I have seen that not much has transpired in those plans over the years? NO I think I am tired this year and all the changes just seemed like work to me. As I lay in bed pondering this I thought even if I did the basics of what “THEY’ say we should do daily, my 24 hours days were running short.
They say we need to floss every day, okay I can do that, it’s only minutes added to my regular tooth brushing routine. CHECK  
I need to meditate and spend more time in prayer with God and reading my bible etc. It’s a good plan and one I really strive to do , so in my mind I think an hour a day at least…..CHECK
They say…well more like OPRAH says we should write a gratitude journal daily. I like this idea and at one time was great at journaling and writing. At least an hour a day CHECK
We need to exercise daily…an hour a day, again I have been pretty consistent with 4-5 times a week….an hour a day….. CHECK
We need to spend more time with our family and children. Quality time, not just driving them to events. Okay games night or chatting or something fun an hour a day CHECK
We need to spend time with our friends and adults. We need physical touch and socialization.  CHECK
We need to eat 8-10 fruits and vegetables a day. Okay I should make a chart to CHECK all of this off ! CHECK
We need to drink 8 glasses of water a day, add this to the chart to check off. CHECK
Vitamins, we need to take vitamins to keep us healthy. CHECK
We need at least 8 hours of sleep a night. CHECK…..okay this makes my day a little shorter now…HMMM
We need to take the stairs and park farther from doors for EXTRA physical activity! CHECK
These are daily things that should be a MUST. Then weekly we need bible study, date nights, etc.
We need to take time for ourselves. Pamper ourselves! Massages, pedicures! I like this! CHECK! DOUBLE CHECK
We need regular doctor’s appointments dental appointments, mammograms, etc… CHECK
 We need to become more organized! purge and organize closets, office, drawers, our lives. OKAY CHECK
We need to learn more, read more, take classes. GOT IT! CHECK

In between all of this is working, cooking, shopping, homework with kids, driving kids to their events, reading everyday with children, laundry, appointments, etc. etc.
Do you see what I mean? The list is endless!  It became exhausting when I started planning just basics into my already busy routine. I know I can multi task some of these. Get my socialization while I exercise, etc.  But still it appears overwhelming.  I became tired and gave up before I could even start. The thought of making charts to keep track of my fruits and veggies and water, SIGH.
DON’T get me wrong, I will make changes. I need to make changes. THEY say we need to do these things and so I will. BUT first I will increase my 8 hours of sleep to 10. That’s a good start. I am going back to bed now and maybe tomorrow I will not be as exhausted as I think about all I SHOULD do and all I am doing!