Thursday, December 15, 2011

When one family member struggles , the rest of the family does too

This is not totally my story to tell , but I will share with you how this has affected me .
I can tell you that now that we have told the church this is public knowledge.We are in a situation in our home where the REV has had to take a medical leave of absence from work for 3 months. Its been a long time coming and he has pushed it off for a long time. Pride has made him go on, the love of preaching keeps him going and the people in our church whom we love so much kept him trying to forge through , but unfortunately that can only take you so far when you are dealing with stress/depression/burnout. He has hit the wall and is struggling.

He was able to hide it for a long time with others and still does, but it is harder to hide at home. I am reminded of our retriever Tanner who passed away this past October. My friend Pam said that Tanner had been sick a long time but was trying so hard to make us happy that he hid it. But he could only do it for so long before it catches up. The Rev is like our old retriever.

Most peoplewho struggle with stress/burnout/depression try their best to hide it, but stress left alone becomes dangerous and life threatening.
Since sharing this with the church,  I feel like a weight has lifted for me. I don’t have to “hide” how I am feeling. I don’t have to put on my “happy face” all the time. I can now say I am sad, or I am struggling and people will know why.
We have all felt stressed in our lives especially at this time of year trying to get things done for Christmas. This stress and the stress that has people go on medical leave are vastly different. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, an end in sight with Christmas stress or moving etc. With the stress the Rev is going through there doesn’t appear to be an end in sight for him. It appears dark and dismal and tiring. There appears to be little hope and everything appears to be caving in all around. It’s a difficult time not just for him but for those who love him.
Not everything I share from this point on is what is exactly what is going on in our home, but is typical of what happens with stress/depression.
 Here are some of the symptoms that one might  go through

  • Memory problems
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Poor judgment
  • Seeing only the negative
  • Anxious or racing thoughts
  • Constant worrying
  • Moodiness
  • Irritability or short temper
  • Agitation, inability to relax
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Sense of loneliness and isolation
  • Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms
Behavioral Symptoms
  • Aches and pains
  • Nausea, dizziness
  • Chest pain, rapid heartbeat
  • Loss of sex drive
  • Frequent colds
  • Eating more or less
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • Isolating yourself from others
  • Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities
  • Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
  • Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

So for someone who doesn’t struggle with any of these issues and all of a sudden does, it causes huge changes in relationships. The person you love has now become someone you barely recognize, especially when they are exhibiting symptoms that have never been part of their personality or an extreme opposite of who they once were.
As a wife I struggle with what to do. I go from being supportive and understanding , to being frustrated and angry. I think “enoughs,  enough lets get going”. But its not as easy as that. Its not something you can just snap out of. And its difficult for someone who has never experienced depression or burnout to understand.
This is going to take time to heal and the reality is we might never get back to where we were. That’s a scary thought for me. I don't know how long this will take before he is feeling better. I don’t’ know what the future holds The good thing is I know who holds the future and I trust HIM!!
The Sunday before telling our congregation that Bill was not well, I was an emotional mess. In the evening there was a healing service here in town and so I went. I went up for prayer and prayed for healing for my husband , for our marriage and for our family and church. The men praying for me prayed that Bill would not have to take a leave of absence and that he would be healed. Did God heal Bill??? Not instantly? and Not specifically what was asked.  Will He heal Bill? I believe He will! BUT GOD did heal that night. He healed me !   As I said I went in an emotional mess. I felt beaten and discouraged. I was angry and hurt!  I left there filled with PEACE! My anger was gone, my hurt was gone my heart felt healed. I had hope! No matter what happens I KNOW that God is in control!
I know I will have days that will be a roller coaster ride. Today is one of those days. I feel overwhelmed with all I have to do for Christmas. The majority of the work in our home is on my shoulders.  As well as keeping my foot in the door for church. I have to remind myself if I don’t’ get it all done it’s not going to be the end of the world.
Here are some things I am learning through this:
A support system is a MUST! I started counselling last year which helped a lot. I finished just before summer. My counsellor and I thought it was time and I was doing well. My one mistake is I SHOULD have gone back in September when things were coming to a head here. I needed someone to talk to and felt alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone from church I felt like I would be betraying Bill if I did. I am thankful for my daughter Christine who I shared  some of my issues with. That kind of took the edge off. If I had a do over I would have run back to my counsellor right away. I also didn't realize that Bill was going through burnout. I just thought he had changed and I didn't understand it. Talking to a professional would have helped me understand.
So my advice to anyone going through this is get help and support. Don’t hold it in and try and do it on your own. Its impossible to do. We are called to carry one another’s burdens. There are people that can help you.
SEPARATE the behaviour from the person. I say this, but have a hard time following it. I have mentioned this fault with Jayde and her FASD. It is so hard to do but it is necessary.
Look after yourself!  It is a good thing I love to exercise. I know my body doesnt’ show it, but my stress levels do. Going to the gym is so good for more than just physical reasons. It releases endorphins which are happy hormones. It alleviates stress. I am thankful to my friend Marcella who meets me twice a week which makes me pumped to continue on the rest of the week.
I also LOVE hot YOGA! It gives me time to breathe! Deep breathing also helps alleviate stress. I am also able to pray while I am there and just focus on me and GOD!
Pamper yourself, go for massages for pedicures. Look after you. That’s the only way you will be able to look after others.
REMEMBER that you don’t have to do EVERYTHING!! Its ok to say no and it’s ok that not everything will get done. Its okay to ask for help. (another tough one for me, but I am learning)
GO TO GOD! PRAY! If you are not a spiritual person , try praying ! you have nothing to lose and everything to gain! My testimony of the healing service is proof that prayer works. If you still doubt than again I urge you to try it for yourself!
As much as I don't like going through this with my husband and family I  know that one day  I will be able to share and relate to those who struggle with this It  is giving me a new perspective and understanding of depression/mental illness. . One day I will be able to share how God brought us through it as well.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


For those who are close to me know that I have a “thing” about words. Last week’s blog was on EXTREME words this week is a little more personal about me and EXTREME words
Words have great meaning to me and I don’t’ just use them and throw them around willy nilly. It irks me when people do. For example when someone is talking and say “I went to Starbucks and they discontinued the café mocha drink that I always drink. I was DEVASTATED” REALLY??? DEVASTATED??? I don’t’ thinks so! I would hope not DEVASTATED. Maybe mildly upset. Disappointed but not DEVASTATED.
Having this issue with words for me makes it difficult to do surveys for me. You know the surveys that the answers are ALWAYS-, OCCASIONALLY- NEVER. I typically have to pick the middle of the road answers. It seldom is an ALWAYS or a NEVER for me. To state ALWAYS means I always do something and really I ALWAYS doesn’t do something even though I typically 99% of the time do it there might be a time that I don’t.
Also NEVER…..I am sure I have at one time done something I said I NEVER do.
 surveys are thought provoking for me.
The saying “this is the worse day ever. Or this day has been horrible.” THE WHOLE DAY???  Not one good thing happened?
I have someone close to me who will tell a situation and then say isn’t that HORRIBLE?? Well it’s not HORRIBLE ….this is the definition of what horrible means. The story that you just told me isn’t even close to causing horror or shocking me. It wasn’t even extremely unpleasant. 
/ˈhɔr ə bəl, ˈhɒr-/ Show Spelled[hawr-uh-buh l, hor-] Show IPA
causing or tending to cause horror; shockingly dreadful: a horrible sight.
extremely unpleasant; deplorable; disgusting: horrible living conditions.

Not sure why I have this weird WORD thing. Just one more quirky thing about me. What is not good is because I believe words have so much power and meaning  , I can and DO use them when in a disagreement with someone and can  say some very hurtful and strong things. 
When the bible talks about the tongue being a sword or a poison  I know full well what that means. My words can cut someone to shreds. Can pierce a heart, cause a wound, do damage to someone I love.  I am trying to be intentional when talking to loved ones and making sure that my words will not cause injury, or even death of a person’s spirit . When in a disagreement do I really win if I have cut a person so deeply that I have severed my relationship?? I would rather be a loser and keep that person whole and uninjured. Now I just have to keep working on this. IT’S easier SAID than DONE!

Psalms 12:18

Thursday, November 17, 2011


The last few months I have noticed on younger facebookers walls that their status will say something like " I MISSED the bus FML....or I hate my life".For those who don't know what FML means it means F*** my life.

Last week I said to one of my daughters...(.not naming names  )  "On Wednesday you start ( a recreation activity that she has been waiting forever to start).
She said OHHH I hate my life......I have (mentions another RECREATIONAL activity) at the same time

I said "OH my gosh!! you hate your life because you have tooooo many recreational activities that you have wanted to be involved in and now they are conflicting with each other?" Yes you should hate your life! thank goodness you aren't  a poor starving child in Ethiopia. Because if you hate your life now imagine what would happen if you had no food or shoes or home , or parents.

She said mom its just an expression everyone says that.

And I realize that they are just expressions but it just seems so ridiculous that people say such EXTREME things over such minor inconveniences.

Things like FML I got a flat tire on the way to work. HELLO....were you DRIVING a CAR from your house to a JOB that pays you so you can afford all these luxuries?

Give your head a shake. It should not be FML I missed the bus. It should be PTL or TYG (praise the Lord or Thank You God) that I have a car, money for the bus,  a house , this small inconvenience because others have far less than I do.

Dont' get me wrong here I am not pointing fingers. I do similar things. I start to feel sorry for myself because I am sick , or am going through a stressful time. But when you read or hear of other tragedies mine are minuscule in comparison. I think of the recent families in the news Kyle Fundytus 16 who died this weekend in a hockey accident. The 4 boys who died in grand prairie from an alleged drunk driver. the family who lost their dad/father to cancer. the families at stollery who have children with cancer. My little hurts, inconveniences are NOTHING in comparison.

I heard of a story where some missionaries were watching the throngs of people in Haiti going to a church service after the devastating earthquake. One of the newer missionary said " I can really see why they are going to church They have NOTHING and need to ask God for so much" the other missionary said "On the contrary they are going to thank GOD for what they DO HAVE! "

We are so spoiled and so selfish in our own little world. We need to be more thankful. We just celebrated thanksgiving and the states are gearing up for their day of thanks.  EVERYDAY should be thanks giving....or THANKS LIVING!

We need to take captive our negative thoughts and sayings and rephrase them. We need to quit complaining about the cross we have to bear and look at the other crosses others have to bear. If all the problems were thrown into a room and you had to pick one, I am pretty sure in most circumstances that you would want yours back instead of someone else's
1 Thes 5:18 Give thanks in all Circumstances for this is the will of GOD

Philippians 4:8

 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

In other words THINK POSITIVE thoughts.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


today is TBH thursday  and at 3:00 I was sitting and thinking "I have nothing to write today" and then the kids came home and homework began.

One of my children had a note from the teacher that said " __________ does not know any of her sight words can you go over them with her"

Hello??? I have been! and i will again. Yesterday we worked on the site words and I was pleased with the progress. Today it was like we didnt' even go over them.
so I was trying different techniques to help her learn the word. We would say "AND" A-N-D  AND then we would write it and say each letter A-N-D  and say it AND.We did this with each word and then I brought out the list and she did not know the words.

I start getting frustrated . Oh my goodness! I realize I am NOT a teacher. I CANNOT teach. I have absolutely NO patience.

If you cannot learn something after a certain amount of time then I can't do it! I know this is HORRIBLE of me! but I am being honest.

How do home school moms do it?? you clearly have a gift of teaching. We are doing a bible study on teaching and that is NOT one of my gifts at ALL. I don't even think it was a blip on the screen.

One of my gifts is encouragement , but that doesn't even come out when I am teaching. I ENCOURAGE you to LEARN this quickly could be the closest form of encouragement I can muster when I am teaching.

I am thankful to God that HE has given people the gift of teaching. That there are teachers out there who LOVE to teach and are challenged and excited about finding out different ways for children to learn. BLESS each of you. Bless the home school moms who teach their own children because I think that would be even MORE difficult. Bless those who tutor and help out people like me who clearly have no gift or patience.

If you do not realize how important you are and valued come to my house and watch me teach my kids.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Feeling sorry for myself , being a mom, wife, daughter is hard.

Tonight as I write this post I am feeling very sorry for myself. I am in hoo.  I think its because I am over tired.

I should have retitled this M is not for MOTHER, M is for Martyr because that's how I will come across.

I often feel it would be so much easier to be a man. They don't have the same amount of work as women do. Often their jobs end at the end of their work day and everyone knows a mothers work is never done.
This month I have been helping my mom pack up and move into a seniors apartment. If you have seen a seniors apartment they are very tiny , so we have not only been packing but downsizing and getting rid of things and it is very difficult.

I am the only girl in the family so of course the work falls on me, it doesn't help that I have siblings who live out of town either. I am blessed that two of my sister in laws helped as often as they could and I appreciate it so much. I never would have done it without their help.

 Everyday this month  I have been going to my moms as soon as I get kids to school and  put in a full day there, come home, make supper, do homework, run the kids to lessons, do my laundry and house work, make lunches, sign notes for school and appointments as well as teach a bible study once a week  etc.

This week I am unpacking my mom, cleaning her old place, trying to get kids Halloween costumes ready, parent teacher interviews, social workers and meetings and dental appointments and a child's  birthday next week so will need to buy a present and plan something.

Although the REV helps, he doesn't ever do the costumes the interviews, the meetings, the gift buying or appointments.He helped move the items from the apartment, but then his job is over. all the men come move items and go home. that's the end of their helping. The women were there helping move boxes too.

I have month end to do and receipts which again is my job, admin stuff falls on me for the fostering .

I have also been sick and had sick kids so juggling everything on top of it all.

It doesn't seem fair to me. Why do women get all the work? Why doesn't the day end? People say to me , take time for yourself.Okay I will! But  then who will cook, or clean or do laundry??? who looks after the kids when they are sick? who is making the lunches and helping with the homework? who is buying the birthday gifts?

The Rev is planning a hunting trip for next week. Not one thought as to how things will work out for us. Guys can just take off and the home still works and goes on. It's difficult for women to just take off. AGAIN not fair.

Currently I don't see an end in sight because Christmas is approaching quickly and the gift buying is up to me to do. the baking , the cards and everything else Christmas job.

tomorrow things will look a little brighter. I know I live a very busy life and normally I go minute by minute. I get overwhelmed when I look at everything I have to do and wonder how I will get it all done. I always do get it done, but for tonight I  have to sit back and cry and feel sorry for myself . And wonder why my job doesn't end.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A HUGE about the lies and now the TRUTH is REVEALED

This may come as a shock to you, but it is honest Thursday and I am going to tell you something very honest and possibly shocking. In fact I had to call my daughter Christine and reveal to her what I am going to tell you. I didn't want her to read it here on my blog.
Are you sitting? Well of course you are because you are at the computer. Okay Deep breath, its confession time.....

I have a weight problem.

 Well actually it’s not as much of a problem now as it used to be. Let me explain.
Growing up I always felt I was fat. I think teen girls often struggle with image and weight issues and I was no different. I was the type of girl with big boobs, small waist and big bum. The hour glass figure. I was bigger than some girls smaller than others. Looking back I think I was ok. I was active and healthy. Weighing 135-140 and being 5’6”.

After I  had my daughter Christine I wanted to lose that extra baby weight and became obsessed with my body image. The more weight I lost the more weight I wanted to lose. Everyone said 125 is the best weight. It’s kind of like the “blondes have more fun” rule. Weighing 125 will bring me happiness and joy and I will feel amazing.

I reached 125 and you know what? I wasn't any happier I wasn't anymore joyful. Bring in baby number two and then trying to get back to 125 after having him. Started becoming obsessive. Exercising all the time and became anorexic. Reached 120 lbs......hmmm I am not happier, still not feeling what I thought I was supposed to feel. Eat less exercise more 115lbs.....okay I am a bit happier but I know I will be happier at 110.

 Didn’t make it to 110. I was CLOSE 112.....but then I had a bit of a health scare and it was the same time Karen Carpenter died of Anorexia in 1983 and I decided that death will certainly not make me happier.
Still struggled with weight and self-esteem issues but decided i could no longer be anorexic . FAST FORWARD TO 1990
In 1990 I became a "spiritual person" or a Christian. That is when I accepted Christ into my life. I joke that when I invited HIM into my heart that I gained the 100 plus pounds....that’s because I have CHRIST IN ME.  He has to weigh 100 lbs. easy LOL

I look back and know that my self-worth and identity was all based on lies and what the world says you are suppose to have and what you are suppose to be and how you are supposed to look.  It was not accurate. In fact it is a LIE!

I was not happy on the inside. I had a poor self-esteem and just believed all those lies about what makes a person happy. I strived for wealth and material things and upon reaching some of those things still did not find the peace I needed in my life. But it started to change in 1990.In walks the TRUTH out go the lies.
I love who I am today.  If I was honest I would still like to weigh less. A lot less.  I feel my body betrays me. It is not indicative of how often I exercise or how I try to eat healthier. BUT I still like who I am today 100lbs better I mean a 100 % better than I did way back when. I am confident. I know who I am. I know my identity is not how much I weigh or what I have, or what I do. But it is in WHO I AM in GODS eyes. He created me perfect and in His image. He doesn’t want me to be anyone other than who He created me to be.
Of course He wants me to not abuse this body He has given me and so I continue to try and keep my body healthy by doing the right things.
I am not perfect I still struggle as you have seen in previous blogs, and will continue to see, but I am moving forward. Doing the best that I can with what I was given. That’s all I can do.
I still believe that I need to be perfect in some areas but I am a work in progress. Growing, and letting go of what the world wants for me and embracing what God asks of me.
Here are pictures from back journey to happiness via the scale

Me and my BROS

The Rev, Christine (2) moi, and Ryan (3 months)

Christine (3) and me, on my way to my goal of happiness via the scale

notice the clavicles. Thats the look I was going for...almost I was telling my sister in law that when I was at this weight in this picture her and I had the same jeans. I would NOT wear my jeans to my moms if I thought she might be there BECAUSE I would look TOOOOO fat. I cropped her out of this pic because she hated the picture of her.  when we were looking at the picture I am only TALLER than her not much heavier. Pound wise I know I was heavier cause she is very petite. But in my eyes I saw myself as this behemoth and she was this petite thing. Funny how you view yourself. How I saw myself then and what I actually see today are SO different.

 THIS is the truth....

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The hardest thing I have done

I wrote this blog awhile ago and then lost it somewhere in cyberworld. I thought it was God's way of telling me it wasn't time to share. But once again I feel it is. I think this time I am a little more gentle though , as I am not in the middle of frustrations
As I share this,  my point is not for you to  judge me, but to understand not only me but maybe others who are in this situation. Not everyone will feel the same way as I do about it, but I can guarantee all who are dealing with what I am going to share, have struggled in one way or another.

As most of you know we adopted a child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum disorder  (FASD). This is a term most people have heard by now, but are unaware of  how it affects a child. It is one of the leading reasons for mental retardation in Canada. I am not going to use this platform to share my views on drinking while pregnant or even educate you about it. I am just sharing from a personal point of view. Even as a foster parent I didn't really know what it was, I was educated about it, but until you are living it, you have no idea. And each situation looks different. Each child has different issues. Some are high functioning, others are not. We are the latter.

I always thought that I would never be able to deal with a special needs child. Obviously God thought different.  This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It has brought out the ugliest side of me at some points, but has also made me grow as a person, as a mom. Not as fast as i would like and more often I see only the ugly side.
It is something that I often think "what did I get myself into?" and "when will this ever end"? sadly it won't end. There is no cure for FASD. There is no cure for brain damage.
I find it so hard to separate the child from the FAS. when she does things I can't sit back and say , oh thats because she has FAS and can't think of cause and effect, or consequences.
It would be easier if my child was in a wheelchair. I dont' mean life would be easier , I just mean that I think i could see the disability and would be able to seperate them easier.
Even for the community it is difficult for them to see that my daughter as disabled. Even when I try to explain it, they dont' understand. It sometimes gets boiled down to "parenting skills or lack there of" .
people will say "well just tell her that she can't do (insert behaviour here)"
I can tell her until I am blue in the face, it won't change anything.
I often feel I was forced into adopting her and wonder what life would be like if I didnt' adopt her. (here is where you are not allowed to judge me) The government told us either adopt her or we will find someone who will. We loved her so much and didnt' want to lose her, but wanted to just give her a forever home without adopting her. I sometimes look back and wish I would have called their bluff, but I was too young as a foster parent . i also know that it would not have been in the childs best interest either. I think she would be bumped from home to home and would have only made it even more difficult for her.
The pressures of raising a special needs child has caused a lot of strain on our marriage and our family life. We had hoped at this point in our life that  we would have more freedom.
Instead we have a child who is almost a teen but functions as a toddler. She has had two year old behaviours for 11 years now. The only difference is she is in a 12 year old body so can get into more things.
We committed to her for life but when you make that decision with kids you plan on them moving out and living independantly. That will not be an option for her. She will never live independantly. I know that there are group homes that we can put her in when she is an adult, but I am sure it is not as easy as that.

Bill and I had to do a stress test and I said after I completed it, that one of the questions should be "do you have a special needs child"?
This is not something you get used to. At least I don't. I get more and more frustrated and tired as the years go on.

I often wonder what I would tell someone who wanted to adopt an FASD child. As i mentioned each situation is different and you don't always know what the future will bring when dealing with FAS. I wonder what choice I would have made if I could peek into the future. Maybe its a good thing that I didn't have that glimpse into the future. its like the song from Garth Brooks says

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

The dance is this home is often like a mosh pit but we are working on it becoming a smooth waltz.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I am constantly beating myself up for my parenting skills. Wishing I could be a parent like so and so. I remember praying one day about this and wrote in my journal that I am sure that “ Carli” never yells at her kids like I do. And that very same day “Carli” was at my home and was talking about how she yelled at her child. It made me feel a bit better knowing I am not the only one.
I make HUGE mistakes with my kids. My biggest mistakes were made on Christine and Ryan. Not to use this as an excuse but I was YOUNG and I was parenting  from my own hurt and issues.
Maya Angelou says . “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
After parenting for 32 years I have learned a few things but still make more mistakes than I would like or care to admit to.
I also know that OLD patterns die hard. It’s like an addict who quits using. When things are going well it is easier to stay off your addiction,  but add some stress and you fall right back into old patterns and habits.
That’s what I find with my parenting. I can implement all the 1-2-3 Magic rules and other Tools I have used but put me in a situation where I am overwhelmed and stressed and I become the person I don’t like.

I also know there are NO perfect parents because there are no perfect people!

That’s part of my issue is I expect for my kids to be perfect, my house to be perfect and my life to be perfect. These expectations on me cause  huge stress for myself  and for my family.

These are things I am working on. Last year I was going to counselling to help me with some of these issues. I also implemented things into my life to help alleviate some of the stress . I know I can’t do it all. I need help. I am not super woman and never will be.

Another quote for Maya Angleou

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

Something else I am learning is that your kids don’t forget things. Mine like to remind me often of my mistakes.
There are some things that I did and said with Christine and Ryan that I do not even remember. Some were not “bad” things. But things that made them feel bad. It wasn’t intentional either. But it hurt feelings or caused a sense of failure or insecurity
Even though my kids may not remember all the bad things I said word for word. They  remember how I made them feel.
I am still working on this. It is hard for me not to just say what’s in my head. Especially when I am tired and stressed.  Our words are so important. They can say so much. They can bring love or hate. Hurt or healing. Such POWER!
I went and saw the movie “the help”  last week and there is a part where the maid/Nanny  realizes that she can make a positive impact on this child’s life and makes a point to tell her everyday
At the end of the movie as the maid is leaving this little girl tenderly touches the maids check and says the words back to her.
I want to be that kind of parent. I want my legacy to be that my children know that I love them, that I believe in them and that I am proud of them.
I wish it was easier and that I was not struggling so much with it.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

TBH inspired by my friend Sharla K

one of my friends has started posting a blog on Tuesdays called "truthful tuesdays". I really appreciate reading it because I love her honesty and openess. She allows herself to be vulnerable and in our Society, vulnerablilty is  considered a weakness. I, however consider it a strength.
In the past few years my favourite soap box chant is be honest and share with each other. I believe that in the bible when it says confess your sins to one another it wasn't for us to go into a dark cubicle in the back of the church and whisper our darkest secrets to a designated person.

I believe that we are to confess our sins to one another for several reasons.
 for accountbility.
  for support.
 so we can pray for each other
 so others can see that we struggle too, that they are NOT alone. THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON who doesn't struggle with issues. We can share and say I have been there and here is what I have done or hey I am there now and lets support each other in this.

Romans 7:15 says

I don't understand what I am doing. For I don't practice what I want to do, but instead do what I hate.

 So even Paul one of the apostles of CHRIST struggled. Man if he struggled and he was walking with JESUS , then why shouldn't we or why wouldn't we struggle?

I love knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with my spiritual walk, my parenting, my marriage, my weight, gossip and MANY other things. I know you are all shocked that i struggle with these things . You are sitting there with open jaw saying SHE HAS A WEIGHT ISSUE? And once you are over your shock you might go out and gossip about just kidding, but once you are over the shock that I do indeed struggle, you will also be glad to know that I do.

Many people look into our home and think as a pastors family we have it all together. As a pastors wife I pray daily and read my bible and never swear or do anything I shouldn't. 
They think because we are foster parents that we are perfect,  patient, parents. but let me tell you this, Having that  many kids tends to test my patience .
People also think as a pastors family my children are perfect or should be perfect. I TEND to think my children should be PERFECT! (Hence the problem I have as a parent . See Above)

So every Thursday I am going to write a blog to dispell these MYTHS. I want to open the door into my home, that way you don't have to strain to peek into my windows . LOL I want to be honest and vulnerable with you. That being said there are some things because of our "Position" I can't tell you. BUT I will try to be as honest in the most healthy and respectful way I can.

My hope is that this blog will help us all to realize that we need each other. That we don't have to be perfect, that we are all striving to be the best  we can be. That there is a GOD who loves us just as we are and He is there for us as we grow .
As for the name TBH it is texting lingo meaning TO BE HONEST.  sometimes we dont'understand these abbreviations. See below for great illustration of this.