This may come as a shock to you, but it is honest Thursday and I am going to tell you something very honest and possibly shocking. In fact I had to call my daughter Christine and reveal to her what I am going to tell you. I didn't want her to read it here on my blog.
Are you sitting? Well of course you are because you are at the computer. Okay Deep breath, its confession time.....
I have a weight problem.
Well actually it’s not as much of a problem now as it used to be. Let me explain.
Growing up I always felt I was fat. I think teen girls often struggle with image and weight issues and I was no different. I was the type of girl with big boobs, small waist and big bum. The hour glass figure. I was bigger than some girls smaller than others. Looking back I think I was ok. I was active and healthy. Weighing 135-140 and being 5’6”.
After I had my daughter Christine I wanted to lose that extra baby weight and became obsessed with my body image. The more weight I lost the more weight I wanted to lose. Everyone said 125 is the best weight. It’s kind of like the “blondes have more fun” rule. Weighing 125 will bring me happiness and joy and I will feel amazing.
I reached 125 and you know what? I wasn't any happier I wasn't anymore joyful. Bring in baby number two and then trying to get back to 125 after having him. Started becoming obsessive. Exercising all the time and became anorexic. Reached 120 lbs......hmmm I am not happier, still not feeling what I thought I was supposed to feel. Eat less exercise more 115lbs.....okay I am a bit happier but I know I will be happier at 110.
Didn’t make it to 110. I was CLOSE 112.....but then I had a bit of a health scare and it was the same time Karen Carpenter died of Anorexia in 1983 and I decided that death will certainly not make me happier.
Still struggled with weight and self-esteem issues but decided i could no longer be anorexic . FAST FORWARD TO 1990
In 1990 I became a "spiritual person" or a Christian. That is when I accepted Christ into my life. I joke that when I invited HIM into my heart that I gained the 100 plus pounds....that’s because I have CHRIST IN ME. He has to weigh 100 lbs. easy LOL
I look back and know that my self-worth and identity was all based on lies and what the world says you are suppose to have and what you are suppose to be and how you are supposed to look. It was not accurate. In fact it is a LIE!
I was not happy on the inside. I had a poor self-esteem and just believed all those lies about what makes a person happy. I strived for wealth and material things and upon reaching some of those things still did not find the peace I needed in my life. But it started to change in 1990.In walks the TRUTH out go the lies.
I love who I am today. If I was honest I would still like to weigh less. A lot less. I feel my body betrays me. It is not indicative of how often I exercise or how I try to eat healthier. BUT I still like who I am today 100lbs better I mean a 100 % better than I did way back when. I am confident. I know who I am. I know my identity is not how much I weigh or what I have, or what I do. But it is in WHO I AM in GODS eyes. He created me perfect and in His image. He doesn’t want me to be anyone other than who He created me to be.
Of course He wants me to not abuse this body He has given me and so I continue to try and keep my body healthy by doing the right things.
I am not perfect I still struggle as you have seen in previous blogs, and will continue to see, but I am moving forward. Doing the best that I can with what I was given. That’s all I can do.
I still believe that I need to be perfect in some areas but I am a work in progress. Growing, and letting go of what the world wants for me and embracing what God asks of me.
Here are pictures from back then....my journey to happiness via the scale
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| Me and my BROS |
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| The Rev, Christine (2) moi, and Ryan (3 months) |
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| Christine (3) and me, on my way to my goal of happiness via the scale |
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| notice the clavicles. Thats the look I was going for...almost there...lol I was telling my sister in law that when I was at this weight in this picture her and I had the same jeans. I would NOT wear my jeans to my moms if I thought she might be there BECAUSE I would look TOOOOO fat. I cropped her out of this pic because she hated the picture of her. when we were looking at the picture I am only TALLER than her not much heavier. Pound wise I know I was heavier cause she is very petite. But in my eyes I saw myself as this behemoth and she was this petite thing. Funny how you view yourself. How I saw myself then and what I actually see today are SO different. |
THIS is the truth....
This post really speaks the truth. If you are trying to achieve perfection with your weight or body or looks, you will never, ever feel like you measure up and your insecurities only mount as you become more and more obsessed with achieving that "perfect" weight, which will surely bring with it happiness.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look back to pictures of myself after Grace was first born, I was so skinny, but I know that at the time, I felt fat and was embarrassed about my body. I didn't feel attractive at all. Now, I look at those pictures and think "I'd be pretty darn happy to look like that now!!!". I try to remember that someday, the weight I am at now may be something I wish for! I look back at those pictures and can't believe the amount of insecurity I was wrestling with at the time.
I find that as I move closer to Him, I care less and less about outward appearances and am learning to find my worth in Him instead of on the scale or in the mirror.
I am sorry to hear that you've struggled with this, but glad that you've found freedom.
hooray i finally figured out how to reply on here. my settings were too stingent.
ReplyDeleteAnyway thank you Sharla.
did you see my little cartoon on my wall that says i wish I weigh now what I did when I thought I was fat.
We are never happy with how we look. But god doesn't want the outside of the cup clean he wants the inside clean......and thats all that matters.