Saturday, September 27, 2014

Finding ME !! NO.......???!!!!

I made a comment recently, that I lost myself over the years. After thinking about it and the persons reaction to my comment it made me aware that the comment put a negative light on my spouse. Maybe that is just how they reacted to my statement, but that wasn't  my point of making the comment.

I also had someone recently ask me what I was good at. This really got me thinking because I could not think of anything I was good at. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments. I am saying this because it is true and how I feel.

So saying I lost myself is not true . I believe I never really found myself. I allowed life circumstances to form me.

I met Bill when I was 14 years old and married at the age of 18. Became a mom at 19.  Bill and my children became my life. Bills goals and dreams became my goals and dreams. I didn't realize this either until I was talking to someone and told them I always wanted to move to Vernon BC. They asked me "WHY?" when I thought about it I realized it was because Bill wanted to move there. We both wanted to live in BC, BUT he thought Vernon was the most horse friendly spot in BC. THUS I always wanted to live there too.

My labels were always, Bill's wife, the "pastors wife", Ryan Stock's mom, Christine's Mom.

I am not blaming anyone here. I think a lot of this is normal for women and especially women from the early 80's and earlier. You get married and set goals together. You help your children find their interests and what they are good at and you put your own interests aside.

I am so proud of my daughter Christine who recently published her book. Proud that  she is stepping out and making her dreams a reality. Not allowing her role as a wife and mother totally define her and who she is.Not letting FEAR stop her.

Some of my interests I allowed FEAR to get in the way of doing them. I always wanted to be a nurse but I allowed fear to get in the way and didn't pursue my goal.

The only thing I have done for 35 consecutive years is be a wife and a mother. I believe I was a good wife and an ok mother. Lots of room for improvement as a mom. I am still working on that everyday.

I had this beautiful vision yesterday while contemplating all of this and having my life formed for me rather than taking an active role. . I thought of the Hoo Doo's in Drumheller and how their beauty was formed by water, wind, and frost. They are amazing to look at.

It made me think that I am not less of a person, but have beauty and significance still, but Now I am making point of finding out who KAREN is. What do I like? What am I good at? I am not letting only life and circumstances mold me.

I have discovered a few things. I realize I am strong! Like the hoo doo's , the weather, or in my situation, life has made me strong. I didn't know how strong I was until I found myself on my own. I am proud of my strength. I find that strength in Christ. Phil 4:13. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

I am generally a very happy and positive person. I find that JOY inside of me. It is not dependant on my circumstances or having someone in my life to make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I do get very sad and long for the love of my husband. I long to share my life with someone. I long to be loved. But that does not take over my thoughts or life. I am still happy. I still know I am loved by many and especially by God.

I am discovering what I like. I belong to a book club and a wine club. I love reading, which I always knew. I am learning to like wine, but mostly have realized I love learning about the different wines. MOST of all I love people and like this social part of my life that is my own.

I am taking horseback riding lessons. I have always been around horses because of Bill's love for horses but realize I love them too.

I am thinking of so many things to try. Photography??? dance??? the possibilities are endless.

I have also made a decision to go to school. As  mentioned I always wanted to be a nurse but allowed fear to get in the way of my decision. I am too old to become a nurse, so I am going to take the health care aide course. Its short and conveniently located and who knows, maybe I might venture out farther. Its a step.

So here I am trying to find out who I really am. What I like and don't like. What I'm  good at. I am taking an active role in my search for myself. I am allowing God the potter to make me and mold me into his creation. Like the Hoo Doos ,life will continue to form me as well.

I am no longer the pastors wife. I am KAREN the daughter of a KING! I am LOVED!